Phat Mack Eyeballs The Flicks

First Love (2019 Miike Takeshi) Rocky! You must be tired from prison: I've booked you a room in a spa! You're dealing with: A large tumor! Hallucinations: I see people! Don't get blood on my pants: I can't wear them again! For now: I don't think you should go back to work! Dancing-hallucination-in-his-skivvies Fu! I want to see things myself: But I don't want to take drugs! Sword Fu; Gun Fu; Taser Fu! GPS Fu; SUV Fu; General Badassery Fu! Yakuza Fu; Triad Fu! Speed Freak Fu; Captive-girl Fu! How many: Does that make today? Just-Say-No Fu! Nothing-is-as-it-seems, nothing-goes-right, caper/vengeance/sexual-slavery film. Think of written-by Donald Westlake on a tub of bad acid. Raunchy, Extremely violent, Extremely bloody: So a great date pic! Miise Takashi at the very very top of his game--with one of his patented freaky endings. If you are in to this kind of thing, this is the best you will get to see for a while. Check it out! Spoiler: Don't ever let yoursel

Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Foot "Meeting" with beautiful degenerates: check. Gomers: Pretty girls. Wheelchair dancing: why? Would you sit on my face? Apparently so. Jack Black: As the ghost of Boogie Nights. Gymnasts on the lawn: God. Raquel Welch's snatch: God. Hard to say if this was an unsuccessful movie or a successful infomercial. If you like Joaquin Phoenix (I do), wait for TV and check it out. 

Crazy Rich Asians Money: Barrett Strong? Cheryl K! Do get a mop: The floor is wet. Food Porn: check. Bachelorette party on the beach: Bachelor party on a container ship. Number 3: "You will never be enough." Mother and daughter: Stare her down. Be a dear: and take care of that. Rom Com. Sound track outstanding. I can't imagine a movie scene that Michelle Yeoh couldn't dominate. Also, there are three skyscrapers with a ship balanced on top of them. Check it out on date night. Spoiler: Louie Jordan? Grace Chang

Cowboy Bebop: Knockin' on Heaven's Door Spike, Jet, Faye-Faye, Ed, Ein Sama: check. Seatbelts! Smokin' Luckies! Ein Sama: Shogi master. Man needs: Protein. Bean that you can't see: In the Moroccan Quarter. 2070's Mars: Drive-in movies. But tough girls are: My type. Broom Fu, Fire Extinguisher Fu, Monorail Fu: check. I found him! Trick or Treat: Press My reset button. Swordfish race playing rat: Macy's Parade on Halloween. It's not a love story unless: Everyone dies. I'll never understand why I think such dark emotional idealism is an elevated art form. Is there any other kind? No strings left un-pulled. Limited theatrical release. Check it out. Butterflies are: Free!

City Hunter (1993) Wile E Coyote: Played by Jackie Chan. Movie? Real life Looney Tunes. 1960s Batman: Ka Pow!!! Clown Fu; Skateboard Fu; Field Hockey Fu; Cruise Ship Fu; Fog Horn Fu; Boobs Fu; Hamburger Fu; Baccarat Fu; Ricky Jay Fu; Rube Goldberg Fu; Bruce Lee Movie Fu; Micro Computer Fu; Jump Rope Fu; Pole Vault Fu: Rough Sex Fu; Very Rough Sex Fu; Streetfighter 2 Fu (extended version (You Win!!!)). The culmination of 20th Century artistic achievement. Probably the greatest, and the only, T & A Kung Fu Jackie Chan movie. Controversial. You love it or you hate it. Breathtakingly politically incorrect. Check it out.

Castle in the Sky     LaPuta: Island in the sky. Pirates: check. The girl will grow to be like: Mama. Dragonfly cycles; Robot Warrior Fu; Crystal Fu; Dirigible Fu: check. This is a job for a woman: Cover me! A woman's work: Is never done. Flycatcher's nest protected by: Guardian Angel Bot. Pazu, world's greatest action hero: Tarzan Of The Skies. One of the first Ghiblis, and one of the best. If you ever have a chance to see it on the big screen, Check it out!

Burning Phone rings in the middle of the night: Nobody there. I want to vanish: Like I never existed. I have a bad feeling: His bathroom looks the same as a hotel’s. Why does everybody smoke as though: They were German Colonels in WWII movies? Dancing from The Bush to The Disco: Gangnam Style! Naked chick dancing to the newly waxing moon: I hate it when they shave under their arms. William Faulkner: The ghost in the room. William Faulkner: Take barn burning, stand it on its head, then turn it inside out. Stone in her heart/lost in a well: Where have we heard this before? Spoiler:      Are you sure? Don't click if you haven't seen it...           Spoiler:                Knife Fu; Zippo Fu: Barn-Burning Fu. Great flick, maybe the best this year. Stunningly and evocatively photographed. I don’t see many, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bad Korean movie. Based on a Murakami story -- it doesn’t have a talking giant frog, but it still works. Hope it finds an audience. Sometimes ex

Border Liquor: Three of four bottles, sniff sniff. Long John Silver: Smuggled into assisted living. Trigger Warning: Dirty fingernails. Shame, Guilt, Rage: I smelled it on him, sniff sniff. Friends: Moose und Fox. Now we're eating maggots: Be discreet. Fridge: Sometimes you need your privacy. They must suffer: as we have suffered. It came parcel post: Look at that Carnation Baby! Spoiler:      At first I thought it was about Neanderthals, but it turned out to be about Trolls. As an allegory, it is either very heavy-handed, light as a feather, or not an allegory at all. Trigger Warning :      Spoiler:           Graphic Troll sex. Very interesting movie in the Gloomy Scandinavian Tradition. Alludes to baby porn. By all means check it out.

  Bad Times at the El Royale Father Flynn: Right crossed by The Supremes. Wurlitzer Fu; Shotgun Fu; Dan Draper Fu; Bates Motel Fu. I would have found a way: To forgive myself. You've got glass in your face: Recurring motif. Wolf Love: It wasn't sexual, but it wasn't not sexual, either. He talks so much: That he starts to believe himself. Great flick from beginning to end. Cynthia Erivo is the best Super Hero in ages. Great dance music, theater permitting. Check it out.

Avengers: Ender's Game Robert Downey Jr.: Played by Robert Downey Jr! Downey's gotta Downey! Scarly Jay: Beautifully portrayed by Scarlett Johansson! Starts off with a blonde bob and what appears to be a wet-look cat suit! Unfortunately, was unable to maintain this level of artistry. But still cute! Captain American: Now leads group therapy sessions for Mets fans! Now we're a: Time travel movie! Cool! Maybe they'll let us know if there are any paradoxes involved in time travel movies. Excellent score: Lets us know when it's time to feel great emotion! Now we're in: Tokyo for some reason with the guy who shoots arrows! Scarly Jay shows up: Still lost in translation! Hulk as a 2-fer: Worthless without the rage! Scarly re-brands herself as: A cliff diver! "Now It's Personal": Best cliche of the flick! Big Rock Candy Glove: as elegant as a WSOP bracelet! His reactor expires: Doesn't make any sense, but a nice touch! A great way to kill 3 hours -- t

Ant Man II Paul Rudd is not Ben Affleck's screen name: who knew? I am also: A youth pastor! Wasp: I preferred the bob. Where are all these ants coming from? Mike Douglas is wearing my glasses: How cool is that? Vatos: check. Saved by: Flying Ant Day! Bullitt! This time with the Mercedes Benz of mini vans. Hello Kitty: gets Pezed. Couldn't really follow the denouement, but there were plenty of bad-ass hot chicks and car chases to watch, so it's all good. As far as superhero movies go, it's up there with Lego Batman. Check it out!

  Joker You: Complete me. I'd give it up: In a heartbeat. Hey Arthur: You're a really good clown. Music: Like a toothache. Let's use public transportation: Send in the clowns! I walked into: Such a sad time at the station! As I walked out: Felt my own need just beginning! Homicide: Dance therapy. No more: Incel. "Gotham has lost its way!": Donald J. Baldwin. Off his meds: Jimmy Durante. Are you available: Next Thursday? A boy's best friend: Is his mother. Let's use public transportation(redux): French Connection! I walked into: Such a sad time at the station! As I walked out: Felt my own need just beginning! More dance therapy: check. Now: I'm the Joker! More dance therapy: check. Here's: Johnny! Visually interesting. Compelling unrelenting music. Bears no relationship to anything I've read about it. Had my backpack checked entering the lobby. Joaquin Phoenix! Check it out!

 Ad Astra 47 BPM: For the future of Mankind! Nothing on the surface: Pirates! Moon buggies! WTF! Mayday from Norway: Planet of the Apes! WTF! Rage! They are using me: Goddam them! Nothing fits: In the current political climate! What's with: All the psych evals? Buck Rogers: No, Hamlet! I regret to inform you: That all crew members are deceased! HAL: Now being played by a down lineman from Harvard. Why go on: Why keep trying? We're: All we've got! I am focused on the essentials: To the exclusion of all else. I had a great time watching this. Visually stunning on the big screen. Pitt nails it. Rather than a dramatic whole, it's a string of episodes that make no sense whatsoever. Check it out!

Silence - The Definitive Review I'm the one guy in the theater who doesn't look like a priest: Check. Lots of hand holding (on screen): Check. Drunken Jesus: Check. Lots of rain: Check. Thatched peasants: Check. Innocent victims of warring Thought Police: Check. Fey, politically-correct non-Christian Inquisitor: Check. White kimono worn for mourning: Nice Touch. Time flies by for almost three hours: Yup, no problemo. It was refreshing to see some true believers who weren't connected to the Taliban. Check it out.  

 La La Land: Definitive Review Opening scene: As good as it gets. Choreography: MTVish, but still stunning. Tons of stuff going on in the background: Mad-Magazine-worthy. Characters singing in character: Check. Planetarium hijinks cameo: Check. Boy meets girl: Cool. Boy loses girl: Pedestrian. Spoiler: Boy wins girl back: Alas! Ending: Mystifying, but perhaps beyond my artistic threshold. I couldn't bond with the characters, while to this day I still care about what happens to Lucky and Ginger Rogers in Swing Time. I was expecting to hate this movie but had a great time watching it. Whenever it started to drag, somebody would start singing and dancing, so no time was wasted on plot. Also, Hollywood just loves movies about Hollywood. I was perplexed by how this flick was beating out such masterpieces as Shin Godzilla and The Handmaiden, but there you have it.

 First Man Holy ****!!! X-15s bouncing off the atmosphere. Ghosts: Ghosts I can understand. Juniper Hills: Karen's swing set. We need to fail: Down here. I'm just saying what everybody's thinking: Maybe you shouldn't. If I had a choice: I'd take more fuel. Press conference: at home around the kitchen table. Sorry, the movie was too exciting for me to take notes. The best flick of 2018 - I hope it can find an audience. Be sure to check it out.