Phat Mack Eyeballs The Flicks

 Kill Bill 1 & 2 Double Feature “Bill, it’s your bab…”: “BangxBang, he shot me down. BangxBang, I hit the ground.” Ding Dong, Avon calling: Nokia, go to your room! Eye patch: Fashion coordinated! Copperhead: Pussy Wagon! 4 years earlier: 4 years later! Lube up with this and: You're good to go! Luckily for her: Boss Matsumoto was a pedophile! Sonny Chiba: Has a beautiful hand! Showdown at the House of Blue Leaves: ZZR vs. FSR. Gogo: One weird looking chick! 5678: Woo Hoo! Charlie Brown and Yellow Velour Tracksuit: Harajuku Kidz! Crazy 88s & Hullabaloo Dancers: Nobody But Me! It’s snowing in the garden: Bloodbath’s Blossom! II (intermission) Caine still has his flute: That was quite a kiss, Daddy! Priceless: Not in El Paso! Johnny Cash: Under the Trailer! Your arm now: Belongs to me! Paula Schultz: May I have a glass of water, please? I am susceptible to flattery: Then came Bronson! Was a fool for a woman: That Pussy died! Bad Daddy: Pan Blanco Bimbo! Bad Mommy: Shogun Assass

Escape From New York David 14? No, Air Force 1: Now we know where Bin Laden got the idea! The survival of the human race: Snake Plissken. 1988? 1997! Master Life Clock: 20:17:03! Twist those wires together: Going down? McHale: They’re coming out of the sewers! I want to meet the Brain: Harold, we were buddies! The Duke of New York: Liberace’s pimpmobile! (Note to editor: OK. The next part was real exciting but it was dark in the theater and I can’t read some of my notes, but this is basically what happens.) Oh no they got the Snake and now they’re using the President as target practice so warm up the choppers we’re moving in but these are Snake's goggles in the briefcase so they figure he’s dead but no! there’s gonna be a cage fight with a big-ass guy with a mustache and Shaft is watching and they’re hitting each other with baseball bats and the weird punk guy gets offed by Harry Dean Stanton as he steals the President but now they have spikes in their bats and garbage can lids for

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) Trigger Warning: Trigger Warnings ! Indiana Jones: Lash LaRue! The Girl Next Door: Slams shooters & gamb00ls! Trigger Warning: Why is the floor moving? Wiggle it at anything that slithers: A radio for talking to God! Now she’s taxiing an airplane with a machine gun: Now he’s on a white Arabian chasing the Nazis! ###We must pause our tale here and ask yet again why there is no Academy Award for stunts. If the Academy wants to be more inclusive, why the **** don’t they include stunt performers? #criminal Bunch of mushy stuff on a boat: Thankfully, he falls asleep before his submarine ride!! The girl has certain value: Savage! Roman Legion: Except they are Hebrew-speaking Nazis on a desert island! Ghostbusters: Close your eyes! Washington D.C.: Fade out! Movie made perfect sense when it first came out. Now, less so. Check it out! [Original soundtrack available on Columbia Records!]

  Donnie Darko (2001) Bad language at the dinner table: Bitch! Harvey! Kaboom!: They don’t know where it came from! Dirty Dancing: Attitudinal Beliefs! Donnie Darko: The Cutest boy! Wake up Donnie! My dad has emotional problems: Me too!!! Turn down the volume: And think about fucking Christina Applegate! Smurfette: I’m the only one who transcends the Parent-Teacher Relationship! Do you know anything about time travel: I could lose my job! Drugs, alcohol and premarital sex: Kiddie Porn! Frank, when is it going to: Sparkle Motion! Did you know him? No. Hadn’t seen it in 20 years. I think it’s improved. Check it out!

The Man With No Name has a new name; The Sword of Doom has a new master; It is: Vampire Hunter D . Vampire Hunter D           + /+ Draculung: Watching as the frilly panties run. "You can do anything you want to me": Plus, three meals a day. Greco Roman, Magnus Lee: What kind of names are these for villains? The Woman's Moon: Turns red once a month. Sate the Medusa: Then kill her kill her kill her. Eye beam vs. sword: Eye beam! After being hacked off: The left hand eats dirt and belches! Sacred Ancestor: Not Sacred Ancestor? Apparently important in the development of anime. First time I had ever seen it. Lots of violent blood fun. Check it out!

Wolf Guy (1975), starring Sonny Chiba The tiger is coming: To kill me! Who is: Shinichi Chiba?! Stunts by: Japan Action Club! All 3 members of the Mobs were: Slashed to death! Motorcycle Fu! Knife Fu! Tiger Fu! Wolf Fu! Lick-the-blood-off-the-fingers Fu! Yakuza Fu! Syphilis Fu! Politician Fu! (Hard to distinguish from Syphilis Fu!) 15th-day-of-the-lunar-cycle Fu! More Tiger Fu! Shibaraku Fu! JCIA Fu! Hypnotism Fu! Tomato-juice-blood-transfusion Fu! Werewolf Fu!!! Suck that gut in! Keystone Kop Fu! Katie’s-dying-words Fu! Wolf Howl Fu! Shotgun Fu! Mini-skirted-hillbilly-girl Fu! My name is Taka: I was named after your mother! My name is Taka: And off go my clothes! My name is Taka: Let my body give you some relief! Nursing Memories: Wolf Guy and 1Q84! Miki Fu! Jeep Fu! I think the best Sonny Chiba stuff is when he gets to be funny. This isn’t one of his funnier ones, but it’s still pretty good--on par with, say, Wandering Ginza She-Cat Gambler--Part II, etc. Check it out! 

 Chinatown (1974) Burt Young: She’s no good! Jack: Down the hatch! El Macondo Apartments: ¿Se gusta Look pal, I make an honest living: Never lost a drop. I don't kick them out of their homes like you jerks: Who work in the bank. Let's have a big smile, pal! It comes in different parts of the river: Every night a different part. Does my talking about your father upset you? Albacore Club: Amber Care! We used to work together: In Chinatown. You don’t know what you’re talking about: You dumb Okie. Get in the car! Well, tell you what, pal: If Ida wants to see me she can call me at my office. Nope, your wife got excited, crossed her legs a little too quick: You understand, pal? Listen, pal, Escobar's going to try and book me: In about five minutes. Salt water: Very bad for glass! The future, Mr. Gitts! The Future!: Now where’s the girl? Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown! I forgot that the young Jack Nicholson even existed. My theory is that the movie still holds up, but can’t possi