Phat Mack Eyeballs The Flicks

Ambulance 2022 231k? 32m! Psycho Killer: Played by Donny Darko! J-Lo: Played by typical hot L.A. chick from Mexico! Mel Gibson: Hasn’t changed much! Who wears Birkenstocks: To a bank robbery? Cops in Vans : Robbers in vans! I’m more of the sensitive one: I’m just gonna stay in the alleys! Zaga doesn’t have time to: Flirt! Pretty much just a: Car chase movie! Put Your hands in the wound: And spread it apart! Gunshot surgery: Call for a tee time! Open heart surgery at 20 mph: He’s awake! Sailing, La la la la, la la!!! Obligatory Live & Die in L.A. wrong-way up the freeway scene: Check! Obligatory Point Blank L.A. River sniper scene: Check! Obligatory Breaking Bad automated machine gun scene: Check? Obligatory tons-of-dead-vatos scene: Check! We’re not the bad guys: We’re just trying to get home! A new patient: Is in the ambulance! Sad ending: Butch & Sundance! But No! It’s not quite over! Ending goes on and on! Here comes: The widow and the baby! Here comes: The cop with the baby

 Nobody 2021 Death Wish on Speed? Charles Bronson or Keanu Reeves & Sandra Bullock? Better call Saul! Tracheotomy Fu! Rev. Jim Fu! The hammer: 72o!!! Hugh Hefner at the disco: Karaoke Fu! Boris Badenov at the Disco: Black Russian! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abkhazians_of_African_descent Lasagna Fu! Fire Extinguisher Fu! Traffic Light Fu! Basement Fu! Satchmo Fu! Nina Simone Fu! Pat Benatar Fu! Muscle Car Fu! Claymore Fu! More Rev. Jim Fu! Mouse Trap Fu! Bad Hair Fu! Rebar Fu! Zippo Fu! Inexplicable guy confined in a radio: check! They don’t miss a cliche or a trope--so you don’t have to stop and do any thinking. (No snark, I mean this in a good way!) No beating around the bush: all action! Academy award for best pic locked up! Check it out!

 Kill Bill 1 & 2 Double Feature “Bill, it’s your bab…”: “BangxBang, he shot me down. BangxBang, I hit the ground.” Ding Dong, Avon calling: Nokia, go to your room! Eye patch: Fashion coordinated! Copperhead: Pussy Wagon! 4 years earlier: 4 years later! Lube up with this and: You're good to go! Luckily for her: Boss Matsumoto was a pedophile! Sonny Chiba: Has a beautiful hand! Showdown at the House of Blue Leaves: ZZR vs. FSR. Gogo: One weird looking chick! 5678: Woo Hoo! Charlie Brown and Yellow Velour Tracksuit: Harajuku Kidz! Crazy 88s & Hullabaloo Dancers: Nobody But Me! It’s snowing in the garden: Bloodbath’s Blossom! II (intermission) Caine still has his flute: That was quite a kiss, Daddy! Priceless: Not in El Paso! Johnny Cash: Under the Trailer! Your arm now: Belongs to me! Paula Schultz: May I have a glass of water, please? I am susceptible to flattery: Then came Bronson! Was a fool for a woman: That Pussy died! Bad Daddy: Pan Blanco Bimbo! Bad Mommy: Shogun Assass

Escape From New York David 14? No, Air Force 1: Now we know where Bin Laden got the idea! The survival of the human race: Snake Plissken. 1988? 1997! Master Life Clock: 20:17:03! Twist those wires together: Going down? McHale: They’re coming out of the sewers! I want to meet the Brain: Harold, we were buddies! The Duke of New York: Liberace’s pimpmobile! (Note to editor: OK. The next part was real exciting but it was dark in the theater and I can’t read some of my notes, but this is basically what happens.) Oh no they got the Snake and now they’re using the President as target practice so warm up the choppers we’re moving in but these are Snake's goggles in the briefcase so they figure he’s dead but no! there’s gonna be a cage fight with a big-ass guy with a mustache and Shaft is watching and they’re hitting each other with baseball bats and the weird punk guy gets offed by Harry Dean Stanton as he steals the President but now they have spikes in their bats and garbage can lids for

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) Trigger Warning: Trigger Warnings ! Indiana Jones: Lash LaRue! The Girl Next Door: Slams shooters & gamb00ls! Trigger Warning: Why is the floor moving? Wiggle it at anything that slithers: A radio for talking to God! Now she’s taxiing an airplane with a machine gun: Now he’s on a white Arabian chasing the Nazis! ###We must pause our tale here and ask yet again why there is no Academy Award for stunts. If the Academy wants to be more inclusive, why the **** don’t they include stunt performers? #criminal Bunch of mushy stuff on a boat: Thankfully, he falls asleep before his submarine ride!! The girl has certain value: Savage! Roman Legion: Except they are Hebrew-speaking Nazis on a desert island! Ghostbusters: Close your eyes! Washington D.C.: Fade out! Movie made perfect sense when it first came out. Now, less so. Check it out! [Original soundtrack available on Columbia Records!]

  Donnie Darko (2001) Bad language at the dinner table: Bitch! Harvey! Kaboom!: They don’t know where it came from! Dirty Dancing: Attitudinal Beliefs! Donnie Darko: The Cutest boy! Wake up Donnie! My dad has emotional problems: Me too!!! Turn down the volume: And think about fucking Christina Applegate! Smurfette: I’m the only one who transcends the Parent-Teacher Relationship! Do you know anything about time travel: I could lose my job! Drugs, alcohol and premarital sex: Kiddie Porn! Frank, when is it going to: Sparkle Motion! Did you know him? No. Hadn’t seen it in 20 years. I think it’s improved. Check it out!

The Man With No Name has a new name; The Sword of Doom has a new master; It is: Vampire Hunter D . Vampire Hunter D           + /+ Draculung: Watching as the frilly panties run. "You can do anything you want to me": Plus, three meals a day. Greco Roman, Magnus Lee: What kind of names are these for villains? The Woman's Moon: Turns red once a month. Sate the Medusa: Then kill her kill her kill her. Eye beam vs. sword: Eye beam! After being hacked off: The left hand eats dirt and belches! Sacred Ancestor: Not Sacred Ancestor? Apparently important in the development of anime. First time I had ever seen it. Lots of violent blood fun. Check it out!