Phat Mack Eyeballs The Flicks

  Peanut Butter Solution Canadian Fu: Check! Haunted House Fu: Check! Wino Fu: I gave him some money--all that I had!  Pubes Fu: Don’t ask... Trigger Warning: Celine Dion Harum Scarum: Medical diagnosis! This is a classroom: Not a barber shop! Hello Little Girl: Want to come for a ride? Child trafficking/slave labor: 500 a day or we don’t eat! Hansel & Gretel Fu: check! Daddy Issues: Don’t get his pants dirty, it’s his only pair! Cute Dog: debatable. “There is no excuse for this film!” --- Woman introducing it at Alamo Drafthouse. AFAIK the only movie ever made in Canada. If you’ve never seen it, you may want to check it out or you may not. From the right point of view, one of the most horrific movies ever made.

Downhill Elaine! Check. Rickey Bobby! Check. Euro-Trash Girl: check. Ski lifts: check. Brushing teeth in different sinks: This is no movie, this is Cinema! I ran: To get help! ‘Shrooms: You texted? Tight muscles, it’s recommended: I could fuck you through a wall! Skiing is stupid: Yup! What we have here is Force Majeure turned into a Seinfeld episode by converting all the shudders into cringes.   I don’t get the remaking of foreign films. I don’t have a problem with retellings such as The Magnificent Seven or a Fistfull of Dollars , but reshoots of movies like The Femme Nikita or Girl with the Dragon Tattoo just baffle me. They lose all spark. If they want to avoid subtitles, why don’t they just dub them? Anyway, this is a flick about all the people you go to the movies to forget about. You may or may not want to check it out.

Call of the Wild Cujo meets Blade Runner: check! Who’s a spoiled doggy? Buck!!! Dogs sleep outside: But play the harmonica! Pony Express: 4-legged Cliff Clavin! Fired!: Replaced by technology. Buck the Twelve-Step Wonder Dog: Just say no! Buck finds his destiny: Avalanches, falls through ice, mean city slickers: check. Very exciting: at the end, all the eight-year-olds in the audience begin to clap. If you watch movies on the 8-y-o level (and reading this blog, I think we can agree that we all do) check it out!

  The Gentlemen Bring me a pint and a pickled egg: King Of The Jungle. The love that dare not speak its name: Oink. Jog on: Wine, Women, Disco. Crazy Rich Asians: For Phuc’s sake. How many Phuc jokes? Facilitate, not participate. He’s a gangster and a proper naughty boy: Do people really talk like that? A little bit absolute: Grammar check. I don’t have relationships with: Dead frozen Chinamen. Much better than I was expecting. I'm a big Guy Richie fan, but I thought it would be a David Niven style caper film. Instead it's a return to his roots. Check it out. Trigger warning: Movie failed to say where I could buy a plaid tracksuit.

The Hunt Stew Fu; Pen Fu; Almost-but-not-quite-a-ball-gag Fu; Pig-in-a-Box Fu; Punji Pit Fu; Mine Fu; R-o-C-Cola-and-a-Moon-Pie Fu; Plenty of Knife Fus; Podcast Fu; Twit Fu. {Special guest appearance: what’s left of the Red Army.} Smart Fu; Idiot Fu. Lifer: Were you in the service? Hot Chick: Afghanistan. Were you? Lifer: National Guard. Hot Chick: Thank you for your service. Reddit Fu. Hannity Fu. Snowball Fu; more Pig-in-a-Box Fu; lots more Knife Fu. (I’m going to go ahead and count Cuisinart Fu as Knife Fu in order to keep things simple.) Plenty of hot Country-Girl-on-Bryn-Mawr-Girl action. Betty Gilpin shines as the best American action hero in decades. By all means put on your bio-hazard suit and check it out!  

Ambulance 2022 231k? 32m! Psycho Killer: Played by Donny Darko! J-Lo: Played by typical hot L.A. chick from Mexico! Mel Gibson: Hasn’t changed much! Who wears Birkenstocks: To a bank robbery? Cops in Vans : Robbers in vans! I’m more of the sensitive one: I’m just gonna stay in the alleys! Zaga doesn’t have time to: Flirt! Pretty much just a: Car chase movie! Put Your hands in the wound: And spread it apart! Gunshot surgery: Call for a tee time! Open heart surgery at 20 mph: He’s awake! Sailing, La la la la, la la!!! Obligatory Live & Die in L.A. wrong-way up the freeway scene: Check! Obligatory Point Blank L.A. River sniper scene: Check! Obligatory Breaking Bad automated machine gun scene: Check? Obligatory tons-of-dead-vatos scene: Check! We’re not the bad guys: We’re just trying to get home! A new patient: Is in the ambulance! Sad ending: Butch & Sundance! But No! It’s not quite over! Ending goes on and on! Here comes: The widow and the baby! Here comes: The cop with the baby

 Nobody 2021 Death Wish on Speed? Charles Bronson or Keanu Reeves & Sandra Bullock? Better call Saul! Tracheotomy Fu! Rev. Jim Fu! The hammer: 72o!!! Hugh Hefner at the disco: Karaoke Fu! Boris Badenov at the Disco: Black Russian! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abkhazians_of_African_descent Lasagna Fu! Fire Extinguisher Fu! Traffic Light Fu! Basement Fu! Satchmo Fu! Nina Simone Fu! Pat Benatar Fu! Muscle Car Fu! Claymore Fu! More Rev. Jim Fu! Mouse Trap Fu! Bad Hair Fu! Rebar Fu! Zippo Fu! Inexplicable guy confined in a radio: check! They don’t miss a cliche or a trope--so you don’t have to stop and do any thinking. (No snark, I mean this in a good way!) No beating around the bush: all action! Academy award for best pic locked up! Check it out!