Phat Mack Eyeballs The Flicks

Shape of Water Sally Hawkins: the best Mute since Chungking Express. Elisa Esposito: Lily Tomlins as envisioned by Harpo. Starring: Beautiful 1950s furniture. Who knew? How people **** in Baltimore. Washing your hands before: Apparently not just poker players. A troupe of Russians: Played by Boris Badenov and assorted Cossack violinists. Cat food: check. Fish porn: check. The General: Wears his ribbons upside down. Seriously people, wtf? Fred and Ginger: All the way, baby. Well made; cogent story; Michael Shannon: what's not to like? Check it out!

Blade of the Immortal (2017 Live version) Kill count in first 2 minutes of flick by pre-immortal samurai Manji: +/- 100. Blood worms: Not just for catching stripers in the surf. In the Edo Period, Japanese women: Wore clubwear, thigh highs, 21st Century hair colors. Extra bonus: Slutty shoes! Jfc, was this thing written by Neal Stephanson? Nothing that horrid -- in fact it's OK to take the whole thing tongue-in-cheek. Samurai: Why are they always standing on roofs? The comic books, the cartoons and now the live-action: Pretty much impossible to follow, plot-wise. But? Manji has stopped wearing a swastika on his back. Kawaii Swordsman (Swordsgirl?): Doesn't get any kills, but is still pretty damn cute! Unforgiven, Billboards, and now Blade of the Immortals: when revenge porn goes wrong. You're lucky, you can die! Check it out!

Coco Dia de los Muertos: ¡Hay Fantasmas! Spirited Away: goes to Club Med. Spirit Dog: May have dropped acid. Odysseus, Dorothy & Miguel: can't seem to get home. The Dead: require justice. (Rashomon? Not quite.) The lady sitting next to me with her kids: smuggled in and chugged 3 tallboys. "I wrote it for:" Coco. Cartoons! Ghosts! Mariachis! What's not to like? Check it out.

  Three Billboards Unforgiven: Played by Ebbing, Missouri. Gene Hackman: Played by pancreatic cancer. Clint Eastwood: Played by Deputy Sam Rockwell. Woody Harrelson: Played by Frances McDormand. Vyacheslav Mikhailovich Molotov: as himself. Nobody cares about: Dentists. Driving off to: My own private Idaho. Evil, and its consort, banality, run amok in a most entertaining manner. Check it out.

Tokyo Ghoul Special Preview Alert! Bruce Willis has remade Death Wish! Perfect for our times! Guns! Vigilantes! Live action: somehow I thought anime. Cute girl cannibal: stone cold killer. Otaku: not just for breakfast anymore. Human/Ghoul transplants: whoops! Pink eye: contagious. Cops: fashion icons. Cops: pick on little girls. Tentacle porn: check. Tentacle fu: check. Nerd fu: check. Ghoul on Ghoul violence: check. (At least I think it was violence -- it may just have been rough sex.) Karate Kid: check. Mr. Miyagi: played by ghoul alpha female. Shimizu Fumika: in her greatest role (so far... (...or at least since Hentai Kamen)). There's a moral at the end of the flick, but I lost it in translation. I don't know what possessed me to see this movie, but it was the most fun I've had since the 1st Night of the Living Dead. By all means check it out.

Blade 2049 Ryan Gosling: won't eat his cereal. 3 years after 2046: a lot has changed. Imaginary girlfriends are: the best kind. Who keeps? a dead tree. Daryl Hannah: she's baaaack. Peugeot: the future's hot ride. Garbage dump: incoming. Garbage dump: Fagin mentors voc ed students. Bees: Vegas, Baby! Crash land in a jacuzzi: wtf? Candygram: Land Shark saves the day!!! Ryan Gosling: still won't eat his cereal. Dom's right, it's a great flick. Check it out!

 Lucky Harry Dean Stanton: Dazed & Confused but still lives by a code. Good story? Not really any story, more of a portrait. Plays the harmonica, sings ranchera, and lives on coffee and cigarettes: Chick magnet. Trigger warning: theater packed with old people. Eye candy: Bloody Marys and the desert. Check it out: But might be best to wait until your 70s. It'll keep.